Eat, Stretch, Nap

By Julia
Varanasi, India

I have a Guru now, you know. He looks like a tanner version of Russell Brand, which automatically tells me he's my kind of yogi (and hints at a hilarious idea for a movie). I've never met him, but I saw his smiling, peaceful visage every day in nicely-framed pictures at the ashram. People speak about him with quiet reverence. "Vishva-ji's classes will totally bliss you out," said a fellow ashram guest over lunch. "He can calm an entire room."

  I'm pretty sure Anand Prakash Ashram, nestled in the green foothills of the Himalayas and perched above the holy Ganges River,  is the cleanest place in India.  It's spotless, has friendly staff and an in-house masseuse.  We were charged less than $12/day each for three meals, lodging and two daily yoga classes.  I've heard it called "ashram lite" due to its open schedule - guests are asked to attend yoga sessions and meals with the rest of the day free to spend as they wish.  Since waking up to chant at 4:30 am was not on my to-do list for this trip, Anand Prakash seemed like a great fit.

Anand Prakash Ashram

  Just being at an ashram doesn't make you a follower of its founder, but I liked the idea of employing a benevolent force to help me along my spiritual path. "But, what is your path, Julia?" you may ask. Right now, it consists of trying to get my heels to lie flat on the mat during downward-facing dog. The path varies for everyone.

Truth is, I think I had a bit too much fun at this "ashram".  I expected to check in, unpack my stuff and meditate for seven straight days. Instead, I found myself making dinner dates with new friends, taking walks on the beach of the Ganges and rediscovering a meditative-like state commonly referred to as "staring into space". Granted, every day I woke at 5:30 am to practice yoga for two hours before breakfast. But after breakfast? Nap time!

  There were two main reasons I wanted to stay at an ashram during this trip:
1.  To concentrate on my yoga (bonus: impressing Tom with displays of my bendiness)
2.  To see the kinds of weirdos an ashram attracts

  Point 2 was almost entirely disappointing.  I expected to regale you with colorful tales of empty-headed bohemians engaging in mind-blowing acts of hippiness, but instead met a cast of characters I enjoyed so much  that leaving the ashram was like the last day of summer camp.  And when you eat together, practice yoga together, and hang out together, the ashram begins to feel a bit like summer camp too.

Tom was surrounded by beautiful women this week

 I say "almost" entirely disappointing because there was a special case.  Just like at summer camp, there is one that, as the song goes, "is not like the others."  In our case, it was a Portuguese man named Stephano (name changed for reasons soon to become clear).  I immediately felt strange vibes from this guy when he introduced himself and insisted I refer to him as "Om".  Om is the holy Sanskrit word symbolizing the universe and everything within it.  When someone studies under  Guru, they are given a spiritual name and a mantra.  Clearly Stephano had made up his spiritual name and to boot had the sizable ego to refer to himself as the universe.  Strike one.

  Strike two:  Days later the ladies and Tom are having afternoon tea in the common room.  Stephano sits down with us, acknowledging us all with an individual "Namaste" greeting and blessing.  Weird, but fine.  But then he goes on to interject completely nonsensical drivel into our pleasant conversation.
Sample Dialog:
Tom:  Eat, Pray Love is really inspiring my ashram visit.  I totally identify with Elizabeth Gilbert when she says...
Stephano: We are all one, under God.  He is in you, in me, in the birds outside.  Bless you all.
Marbella: So...you were saying Tom?

  At this point Tom makes the observation that if someone were going insane at an ashram, would anyone notice?

  Strike three: Stephano is naked on the balcony of the ashram.  He has ripped his clothes to shreds and thrown them three stories down.  Our yoga teacher eventually manages to get him into pants, but Stephano has checked out mentally - repeatedly touching railings, feet, walls with his hands and blessing them.  He claims to be one with the universe.  He splashes water on a poor old Indian woman sitting in the common room, attempting to bless her too.

  Could there be a strike four?  If there was, it would certainly be that his behavior was explained by the ashram staff as a "spiritual issue" instead of "goddamn crazy".  The poor guy was having a severe psychotic episode, melting into delirium in front of our eyes.  It was enlightening, but not the kind you want to experience at an ashram.  Last we heard, Stephano had settled down a bit and moved out of the ashram under the supervision of his meditation instructor.

  In short, our week at the ashram was interesting, but not what I expected.  At least we learned a few new yoga moves:

This is actually real.

It's amazing how bendy one can get in just a week!

Look mom, I'm levitating!